Rules of Engagement
by Craine
Summary: After the Diamond Dog fiasco, it becomes painfully obvious that Rarity can't fight. Does kicking a manticore in the face count? Applejack doesn't think so, and she's the only pony with the gastric fortitude to do something about it. Enjoy with a laugh or two!


_**My Little Pony**_

_**Rules of Engagement**_

* * *

Somewhere, between Rarity's frazzled mane, dripping sweat and quaking legs, Applejack reconsidered this entire meeting. In fact, Applejack had her doubts long before; when she had first confronted the problem. Rarity's problem. As simple and plain as the farm life, Rarity couldn't fight. Period.

Once before, Applejack may have considered the unicorn's prowess, given her feistiness during Twilight's first slumber party. The boldness. The uncracking determination to be on top, to win every argument, no matter how absurd. And the _pillow fight_… Indeed, it seemed Rarity could hold her own in a physical conflict.

Then came the Diamonds Dogs.

Applejack was the first to visit Rarity the day after that fiasco. The problem _had_ to be addressed. Rarity _had_ to understand that fancy words—no matter how whiny or mind-grating—didn't always work. Applejack was no liar, and Rarity seemed to forget that, actually tearing up a bit at the farmer's harsh, but true, words.

Rarity couldn't deny. Anypony who _knew_ Rarity couldn't deny. Rarity couldn't fight. So with averted eyes and a sticky, dry gulp, she agreed to Applejack's terms. Rarity would subject herself to the art of battle. She would foreswear her sense of decency with a puffed chest and a proud chin. She would learn to fight.

Threats of muddy tracks on every square inch of Carousel Boutique helped, of course…

And now, three days later, in the lush, hilly, crisp, heavily unpopulated fields of Sweet Apple Acres, stood Applejack and the quibbling wreck she could loosely recognize as Rarity. Applejack was no liar, not even to herself; she felt terrible about this. But it was all out of love. Yes, that's it. Good old tough-beat-your-face-in love.

"Don't be so nervous, Sugarcube," Applejack said with her best consoling smile.

Rarity jolted to attention, apparently not knowing how long she'd stared at the grass. "N-nervous? Who's nervous? I'm certainly not—"

The moment Applejack kicked a hoof-sized rock before her, Rarity squeal and coiled back like a well-oil spring. Applejack smiled sadly, almost losing her own nerve, almost giving Rarity another day to ready herself. But three extra days was more than enough. This had to be done. Soon. Lest momentum be lost to Rarity's, pleading, wet eyes.

Applejack walked to her friend with a smooth, brisk pace. Rarity forced her posture straight again, and shook even harder. "It's not as bad as it seems, Rares," Applejack said, her eyes as gentle as she hoped they were.

Obviously that didn't work. Rarity was still shaking. Worse than before, in fact. "I… I don't know what to do," Rarity whined.

Applejack winced tightly, completely reluctant to look at those eyes any longer. But she did so anyway, her own eyes now aglow with pride. Determined. "That's _enough_ o' that, now," she commanded.

On cue, Rarity snapped to attention, her flesh now rigid and still. That was a start. Still, Applejack wasn't blind to the challenges; she could not teach Rarity as she'd taught her sister, Applebloom. A different approach was needed. "Fightin' ain't all that scary, really," Applejack began. "'Fact, once ya get passed the pain, blood, fractured bones, and minor brain damage, it's kinda fun—Oh."

Applejack frowned, noticing, too late, Rarity grimace more and more after every word. Maybe she should've knocked her lights out and got it over with.

"Uh, w-what I mean is," Applejack cleared her throat, "the first time is always scary. And painful, of course. But once ya get a feel for it, it's easy as breathin'."

Applejack's heart swelled with relief as Rarity's eyes brightened. "You mean… You mean, like sex?"

Applejack never knew the feeling of a wrecking ball crashing into her face. But Rarity's comparison was just that: a wrecking ball to the face. She shook her head violently, if only to fade the blush she that _knew_ was there. "Of all the-! I don't even-! What the fu—Yes… Yes, it's _exactly_ like… that," Applejack said as matter-of-factly as she could.

Somehow, someway, Rarity's ear-to-ear smile made Applejack die a little inside. "That… That sounds _wonderful_!" Rarity cheered. "If 'fighting' is anything like carnal affairs, then I could really get behind it!"

Finally, Applejack simply couldn't look at Rarity any longer. "Uh… yeah. Right."

A long silence unnerved Applejack. She dared to peek at Rarity, and immediately, she wished she was somewhere else.

"Applejack?" _Oh no…_"Surely you aren't telling me you haven't…"

Never, in all her natural-born days, had Applejack cursed her inability to lie. She needn't say a word, though. Her averted gaze was blunt as any truth.

"Good heavens, darling! With how you'd spoken of brutal poundings—taking and giving again and again until you've collapsed from exhaustion—I figured you—"

"Well, I haven't!" Applejack shouted, every bit as harsh as she intended. "Now, if'n ya don't mind, we got lessons to get back t—"

"Preposterous, I say!" Rarity declared with a skyward hoof. "No friend of _mine_ will be ignorant to the rules of engagement!"

Applejack stared at Rarity like she'd asked what color the sky was. Applejack double took Rarity's words _and_ meaning, and felt herself glaring fiercely at the unicorn. Rarity either didn't notice, or didn't care.

"'Rules of engagement?'" Applejack echoed in angry disbelief. "I'll have y'all know that I've seen _plenty_ o' stallions in my time!"

Suddenly, Rarity's face was unbearably close to the farmer's. "And yet, Applejack! And. Yet," she hissed. "Why, I've half a mind to say the first rule _escapes_ you!"

Right then, right there, any shame for this meeting evaporated from the heat blasting off of Applejack. With a flat glare and a squared chin, she smashed her hoof into Rarity's face. Like a springy limp noodle, Rarity's neck straightened again, her face blank, her eyes hollow.

It was quick. So quick, neither pony was certain which way Rarity's head turned. Or how far. Seconds passed. And without a word, Rarity collapsed without a shred of consciousness.

"First rule of engagement," Applejack began with a turn on her hoof. "Talkin' is half the battle." With the slightest shadow of a smile, Applejack sauntered away from her unconscious friend. "See ya tomorrow, Rarity. Same time, same place.


End file.
